COMPLETE AND UTTER NONSENSE, AND TERRIFIC AS WELL, it will definitely make you smile
NONSENSE FROM SERBIA
A little boy came to a mill with a bag of corn that he wanted ground. As he
was a Serbian and every Serbian knows that beardless men are a crafty
race, the boy was sorry to see that the miller's chin was as smooth as
an egg. However the corn was ground, and the miller said: "I tell you
what my son, I'll make this into a loaf for you.". The loaf was mixed and baked, and as it steamed on the ground the miller said: "Of
course I expect half of it for my trouble; yet it seems a pity to cut
it. I've a good idea; the one who can say the most nonsensical things
shall have the loaf. The poor boy was forced to submit, and the miller began. He said: "There was once a king, a silent woman and a grateful man."
"That is only sneering," returned the boy. "I can tell you something
worth listening to." He set his wits to work with a will, and this is
the tale he told the miller.
In my young days when I was an old
man we had many beehives, and I used to count the bees every morning. I
counted them easily enough, but I could never contrive to count the
beehives. Well one morning as I was counting the bees I was greatly
surprised to find that my best bee was missing, so I straddled a cock,
mounted it, and started in search of it. I traced it to the sea shore,
and saw that it had gone over the sea, so I decided to follow it.
When I had crossed the water I discovered that a peasant had caught my
bee; he was ploughing his fields with it and was about to sow millet.
So I exclaimed, "That is my bee! How did you get it?" And the ploughman
answered, Brother, if this is really your bee you can come over here
and take it." So I went over to him and he gave me back my bee and a sack of millet on account of the services my bee had rendered him. Then
I put the sack on my back, and moved the saddle from the cock to the
bee. Then I mounted the bee, and led my cock behind me that it might
rest a little. As I was crossing the sea one of the strings of my
sack burst, and all the millet poured into the water. When I had got
across, it was already night, so I alighted and let the bee loose to
graze; as to the cock, I fastened him near me and gave him some hay.
After that I laid myself down to sleep. When I rose next morning
great was my surprise to see that during the night the wolves had
slaughtered and devoured my bee; and the honey was spread about the
valley knee deep and ankle deep on the hills. Then I was puzzled to
know in what vessel I could gather up the honey.
Meantime I remember I had a little axe with me, so I went into the
woods to catch a beast in order to make a bag of its skin. When I
reached the forest I saw two deer dancing on one leg; so I threw my
axe, broke their leg, and caught them both. From the two deer I drew
three skins and made a bag of each, and in them gathered up all the
honey. Then I loaded the cock with the bags and started hurriedly
homeward. When I arrived I found that my father had just been born,
and I was told to go to heaven to fetch some holy water. I did not know
how to get there, but as I pondered the matter I remembered the millet
which had fallen into the sea. I went back to that place, and found
that the grain had grown up quite to heaven, for the spot where it fell
happened to be rather damp. So I climbed up one of the stems. Upon
reaching heaven I found that the millet had ripened, and an angel had
harvested the grain and made a loaf of it, and was eating it with some
warm milk. I greeted him, saying, "Good-morrow to you!" The angel replied. "And to you neighbour!" and gave me some holy water.
On my way back I found that there had been a great rain, and the sea
had risen so high that my millet was carried away. I was frightened to
think how I should descend again to Earth; but at length I remembered
that I had long hair - it is so long that when I am standing upright it
reaches down to the ground and when I sit it reaches to my ears . Well,
I took out my knife and cut off one hair after another, tying them end
to end with great care as I descended on them. Meantime darkness overtook me before I got to the bottom, and so I decided
to make a large knot and pass the night on it. But what was I to do
without a fire? A tinder box I had with me , but I had no wood.
Suddenly I remembered that I had in my vest a sewing needle. So I split
it and made a fire, which warmed me nicely; then I laid myself down to
sleep. When I fell asleep, unfortunately, a flame burned the
hair through, and head over heels I fell to the ground, and sank into
the earth up to my girdle. When I found that I was tightly interred I
hurried home for a spade, and came back and dug myself out with it.
As soon as I was freed I took the holy water and started for home. When
I arrived reapers were working in the field. It was such a hot day that
I feared the poor men would burn to death, and I called them: "Why
do you not fetch our mare which is two days journey long and half a day
broad, and on whose back large willows are growing? She would make some
shade where you are working." My father hearing this, quickly
brought the mare, and the reapers went on working in the shade. Then I
took a jug in which to fetch some water. When I came to the well I
found the water was quite frozen, so I took my head off and broke the
ice with it; then I filled the jug and carried the water to the thirsty
they saw me they asked me, "Where is your head?" I lifted my hands, and
to my great surprise my head was not upon my shoulders, and then I
remembered having left it by the well. I went back at once, but on the
way I met a man with no legs cleaning his boots by the roadside. He
asked for charity and I gave him my favourite button. He thanked me
with tears in his eyes, exclaiming, "In return for this I will tell you
a secret which I learned from a witch: Water is Wet."
Terrified at the strange news I went on to the well, but found that a
fox was there before me, and was busy devouring my head. I approached
slowly and struck the beast fiercely with my foot, so that in great
fear it dropped a little book. This I picked up, and, on opening it,
found written in it these wise words, "The whole loaf is for thee, and
Beardless is to get nothing!" The miller was so stunned by
this torrent of nonsense that he said nothing as the boy picked up his
loaf and walked away in triumph..
Do mermaids use knives and forks when they eat?
No, they use their fish fingers! What did the sea say to the Little Mermaid? Nothing, it just waved! What has beautiful hair, a pretty face, two arms, a fish's tail, looks like a mermaid, but isn't a mermaid? A photograph of a mermaid!
What did Little Red Riding-Hood say when she saw the big, bad wolf wearing sun-glasses? Nothing . . . she didn't recognize him! What did Little Red Riding-Hood say when she saw the big, bad wolf? There's the big, bad wolf!
Who shouted "Knickers!" at the big, bad wolf? Little Rude Riding Hood!
What birds spend all
their time on their knees ? Birds of prey ! What do you call a woodpecker
with no beak ? A headbanger ! What does a queen bee
do when she burps ? Issues a royal pardon ! When is the best time
to buy budgies ? When they're going cheep !
What do bees do if
they want to use public transport ? Wait at a buzz stop !
What do you get if you
cross a bee with a skunk ? An animal that stinks and stings ! Why did Hansel eat all the liquorice off the witch's house? It takes all sorts!
Why couldn't Cinders use horses to pull the Pumpkin Coach? Because they were too busy playing stable tennis!
Why was Cinderella no good at playing hockey? Because she was always running away from the ball!
What did the ogre get for his birthday? Another year older!
What do you give an ogre with great big feet? Lots of space. Why do ogres wear flowery embroidered braces? To hold their trousers up!
Why did the Ugly Duckling's parents fly south for the winter? Because it was too far to walk!
Why do dragons sleep all day? So that they can fight knights!
SIX BRAND NEW NURSERY RHYMES FOR 2010
VANILLA ICE-CREAM, STRAWBERRY FOOL,
GOOSEBERRY CRUMBLE, CUSTARD COOL
RASPBERRY RIPPLE, APRICOT WINE,
BUT YOU CAN'T HAVE THEM - COS THEY'RE ALL MINE!
MOLLY, MOLLY YOU'RE GROWING SO FAST, NONE OF YOUR CLOTHES ARE GOING TO LAST. YOU'LL GET COLD ELBOWS, YOU'LL GET COLD KNEES, YOU'LL CATCH A COLD AND START TO SNEEZE.
LITTLE BIRD UP IN A TREE
LITTLE BIRD UP IN A TREE, WILL YOU SING A SONG FOR ME? WILL YOU SING OF SUNSHINE OR WILL YOU SING OF RAIN? SING OF HOT SUMMERS THEN SING OF SPRING AGAIN. LITTLE BIRD UP IN THE TREE - WILL YOU SING A SONG FOR ME?
SEVEN SHIPS A SAILING, A SAILING ON THE SEA. ONE FOR MUMMY, ONE FOR DADDY, AND ONE FOR BUNNY AND ME. ONE FOR MOLLY CARTWRIGHT THERE'S ONE FOR SUSIE AND SAM. AND THE THREE THAT SAILED WITHOUT A SOUL AND SET SAIL FOR AMSTERDAM.
BABY, BABY DON'T SUCK YOUR THUMB!
MUMMY, MUMMY WIPE MY BUM BABY, BABY EAT YOUR TEA? MUMMY, MUMMY EAT WITH ME! BABY, BABY GO TO SLEEP!
MUMMY, MUMMY WHY YOU WEEP? BABY, BABY CLOSE YOUR EYES! MUMMY, MUMMY, PRAYERS, NOT SIGHS.
MUMMY, MUMMY, HERE, SWEET KISS, BABY, BABY, SUCH SWEET BLISS.
SHUSH, NOW LITTLE SISTER, CLOSE TIGHT YOUR EYES, SANTA'S LITTLE REINDEERS WILL BE COMING FOR THEIR PIES.
SHUSH, NOW LITTLE BROTHER, PUT AWAY YOUR TOYS, SANTA WILL HAVE PLENTY FOR ALL THE GIRLS AND BOYS.
SHUSH, NOW ALL YOU CHILDREN, IT'S SNOWING HARD OUTSIDE, YOU NEED TO HEAR SANTA'S BELLS AS HE DRAWS UP CLOSE BYE.
Little Cowboy, what have you heard, Up on the lonely rath's green mound? Only the plaintive yellow bird Sighing in surtry fields around, Chary, chary, chary, chee-ee, Only the grasshopper and the bee. "Tip-tap, rip-rap, Tick-a-tack-too! Scarlet leather, sewn together , This will make a shoe. Left, right, pull it tight; Summer days are warm; Underground in winter, Laughing at the storm!" Lay your ear close to the hill. Do you catch the tiny clamour -
Busy clook of an elfin hammer, Voice of the lupracaun singing shrill As he merrily plies his trade? He's a span, And a quarter in height. Get him in sight, hold him tight, And you're a made man!.
You watch your cattle in the summer day,
Sup on potatoes, sleep in the hay; How would you like to roll in your carriage Look for a Duchess's daughter to marry? Seize the shoemaker - then you may! "Big boots a hunting, Sandals in the hall, White for a wedding feast, Pink for a ball. This way, that way, So we make a shoe; Getting rich every stitch, Tick-tack-too!" Nine-and-ninety treasure crocks This miser fairy hath, Hid in mountains, woods and rocks, Ruin and round-tow'r, cave and rath, Ruin and round-tow'r, care and wrath, And where the comorants build From times of old Guarded by him; Each of them fill'd Full to the brim With gold!
I caught him at work one day, myself, In the castle-ditch where the foxgloves grow- A wrinkled, wzened, and bearded elf, Spectacles stuck on his pointed nose, Silver buckles to his hose, Leather apron - shoe in his lap - "Rip-rap, tip-tap, Tack -tack-too! (A grig skipped upon my cap, Away the moth flew). Buskins for a fairy prince, Brogues for his son - Pay me well, pay me well, When the job is done!" The rogue was mine, beyond a doubt; I stared at him; he stared at me; "Servant, Sir!" "Humph," says he, And pulled a snuff box out. He took a long pinch, look'd better pleas'd, The queer little Lupracaun; Offer'd the box with a whimsical grace- Pouff! he flung the dust in my face, And while I sneezed, Was gone!
Lupracaun by William Allingham, William Allingham was an Irish poet and civil servant. His
father was a shipping merchant. The eldest of five children, his mother died
when he was aged nine. Allingham married the watercolourist Helen Paterson in
A FEW LITTLE NONSENSE RHYMES FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD.
Share I had a little boy and his name was Blue-Bell! I gave him some work and he did it very well; I sent him upstairs to pick up a pin, He stepped into the coal scuttle up to his chin; I sent him to the garden to get some sage, He tumbled down and fell in a rage.
There once was a bird that lived up in a tree, And all he could whistle was Fiddle-dee-dee! A very provoking, unmusical song For one to be whistling the summer day long! Yet always contented and busy was he With that vocal recurrence of Fiddle-dee-dee!
Hard by lived a brave soldier of four, That weird iteration annoyed him so sore; "I pray'eth, Dear Mother Mine, fetch me my gun, For, by our St. Didy, the deed must be done That shall presently rid all creation and me Of that ominous bird and his Fiddle-dee-dee!"
Then out came Dear Mother Mine, bringing her son His awfully truculent little red gun; The stock was of pine and the barrel of tin, The "bang" it came out where the bullet went in: The right kind of weapon, I think you'll agree, For slaying all fowl that goes Fiddle-dee-dee!
The brave little soldier quoth never a word, But he up and he drew a straight bead on that bird; And while that vain creature provokingly sang The gun went off with a terrible bang! Then loud laughed the youth. "By my Bottle," cried he, "I've put a quietness on that Fiddle-dee-dee!"
Out came then Dear Mother Mine, saying; "My son, Right well have you wrought with your little red gun! Now after no evil at all need I fear With such a brave soldier as You My Love here!" She kissed the dear boy. The bird in the tree continued to whistle his Fiddle-dee-dee! By Eugene Field
Henry was every morning fed with a full mess of milk and bread. One day the boy his breakfast took, and ate it by a purly brok. His mother let him have his way, with free leave Henry every day Thither repairs, until she heard him talking of a fine gray bird. This pretty bird, he said, indeed, came every day with him to feed; And it loved him and loved his milk,, and it was smooth and soft like silk.
On the next morn she follows Henry, and carefully she sees him carry Through the long grass his heaped-mess. What was her horror and distress When she saw the infant take his bread and milk close to a snake! Upon the grass he spread his feast, and sits down by his frightful guest, Who had waited for the treat; and now they both began to eat.
"Fond mother! shriek not, O beware the least small noise, O have a care. The least small noise that may be made the wily snake will be afraid If he hear the slightest sound, he will inflict th'envenomed wound." ...... She speaks not, moves not, scarce does not breathe, As she stands the trees beneath. No sound she utters; and she soon sees the child lift up his spoon, And tap the snake upon the head, fearless of harm; and then he said, As speaking to a familiar mate, "Keep on your own side, do, Gray pate!" (head)
The snake then to the other side, as one rebuked, seemed to glide; And now again advancing nigh, again she hears the infant cry, Tapping the snake, "keep farther, do; mind Gray Pate, what I say to you!" The danger o'er! she sees the boy (O what a change from fear to joy!" Rise and bid the snake "Goodbye." Says he, "Our breakfast's done, and I Will come again tomorrow day;" Then, lightly tripping, ran away.
This little poem was written by the most wonderful Mary Lamb, who together with Charles Lamb, wrote many, many works. Including a book of Shakespeares plays which they told the story of so that children could understand them. I have that book in my collection and may just put a couple of their stories further down, maybe in Rainbow Land, when I reach it.
Charles and Mary
team Charles and Mary Lamb interweave the words of Shakespeare with their own
(some 200 years later in 1807) to bring 20 of his best plays to the young
reader. They are more fully enlivened with the early twentieth-century color
illustrations of Gertrude Hammon
from Shakespeare by Charles and Mary Lamb, This is an early book , as you can see ; some lousy bookseller put a cross on it, thus spoiling the cover but not the inside. That is still wonderful. Seligor xxx
amb, Charles and Mary. 1878. Tales from Shakespeare Thanks Andrew Roberts for waking me up. xx
Well here we are, our first video playlist and being as we have Eeyore at the top of the page, why not have a little bit of Winnie the Pooh and Four Acre Wood.